Wemust, the Mary Sue Slayer
by A Grassy Knoll
Summary: The Wemust is a special little critter who takes out LOTR Mary Sues. It rescues the canon (e.g.: Elrond, Haldir, Aragorn, Merry, Pippin, etc.) from being Sued.
1. A Wemust

_Author's Note_:  This is just the introduction to the Wemust, and me admitting that I own nothing, the OCs I will be using in the further adventures, may have come from my mind but I am not claiming them.  The canon is Tolkien's…well, once the Wemust restores natural order.  The Wemust…well the Wemust is special. A Wemust 

The Wemust is a rodent.  It bears a resemblance to a large hamster, therefore is a Guinea Pig or Gerbil.  It is white with orange makings on its fur.  It has paws that are quite flexible and have the ability to grip things when it needs to.  It is a very unsuspecting creature at first glance.  Then you look closer…

The Wemust carries with it a multitude of arms and has special combat skills.  I know you are laughing right now as the idea is so preposterous, but I swear to you it is true.  The wee Wemust carries its arms in a utility vest that it wears that is camouflaged to match its fur type.  The Wemust is very special.

Now I bet you are wondering what purpose such a creature can have and who created it.  Two questions that shall be answered in this very paragraph believe it or not.  The two questions are interlinked.  The Wemust was created by accident.  It was created by an evil Mary Sue who failed to check her grammar in her infestation into Lord of the Rings.  This particular Mary Sue claimed to be Gandalf's special pupil and have training in Martial arts and skill with a 'special sword'.  The Wemust took both of these aspects and emerged from the writing.  It is a stealthy creature now.  It lurks, and preys on Mary Sues.  They never know what hits them.  He goes after those who abuse the canon characters in particular.  The Wemust is a character assassin.  

It has learned more since its release.  It hates the Mary Sues of the world, yet owes its existent to one.  It is a troubled character itself.  Twist and turns await with every move it makes, as it runs in its squeaky wheel (in its training).  The Wemust has gotten faster and defter with each passing day of its freedom.  It strikes swiftly condemning the Mary Sue.  

It is the vigilante of the community.  It is the protector of loved canon characters throughout the world especially in the society these days.  The emergence of the Lord of the Rings films has cut out the work for the Wemust.  As it emerged from a LOTR fanfic, it targets them first.  It saves Leggy-lulu from the multitude of Mary Sues, just in the nick of time.  It protects all the elves that the wee Mary Sues are enamoured with, as well as the hobbits.  It tries to protect the memory of Tolkien in its movements.  LOTR is only one genre of the work that he does.  The Wemust is present to make canon fodder with those who mess with the canon characters.  

The best thing about the Wemust is that it is present in the letters that Mary Sue types.  It watches her develop a tale, and strikes when she slips up.  The Wemust slunks into the story at a Mary Sue's insistence or haste.  A miss-spelled word, a lack of punctuation, neglecting to hit enter at any point, and the Wemust is in.  The Mary Sue is oblivious.  In her haste to grasp the object of her desire (EWWWWWWWWWWWWW!) the Wemust silences her.  As the Mary Sue crumples to the ground and out of the tale of woe, the Wemust has already disappeared.  

It is also a master of disguise.  It slinks along in its slinky black gown, or smokes in its little crimson velvet jacket, watching and waiting to strike.  It slunks from scene to scene lying in wait, once a job is done it moves away searching for new prey.  

Let this be a warning to the Mary Sues of the world (although heaven knows you don't need a warning you deserve whatever you get).  We don't care about you and the character you fancy.  We don't want to hear about how perfect you are.  You have inserted yourself in somebody else's world.  The Wemust will not tolerate it.  If you do feel like sharing what you think is a work of art, look it over carefully.  You wouldn't want to provide our Wemust with a chance of getting in would you?  

*Cue Wemust sailing across screen on a hang glider. *


	2. The Boss Elf and Vanadium

The Boss Elf and Vanadium 

_He could not help himself.  He was overcome by the softness of her porcelain skin and the subtle flecks of violet scattered throughout her amber eyes._

_Vanadium saw his frustration and smiled serenely, 'I approve, your grace.  I give you permission to touch me.'_

_Gil-Galad reached out his **eleven** hand to caress Vanadium.  'I have never felt anything like this before, Vanadium.  I think I love you.'_

_Vanadium was a David Cassidy fan therefore, with a hint of a giggle, she replied, 'So what are you so afraid of?'_

_She smiled seductively and guided his hand to the cord that held her robe together and protected her modesty.  His other hand went to stroke her high and well defined cheekbones.  From there his large hand moved to her cascading raven hair that **shoned** in the moonlight so that it looked as if glitter was woven into the lustrous strands._

She was now standing before the king naked.  Her pale body only was matched by the colour of the moonlight.  Gil-Galad stood enraptured by the sight.  Never in his long existence had he seen anything that compared to Vanadium's flawless body.  They move as one to the bed that stood in the corner.

**_The_**_ collapsed into one another._

My cue, thought the Wemust, third error's a charm. 

He appeared in the moonlight soaked room where the Boss Elf had no control.  If he had known what he was about to do and what was happening he probably would be emptying his gut.

Luckily, the Wemust was here now.  Complaints had been filing into the Wemust about liberties that Mary Sues were taking with the Boss Elf, Gil-Galad.  Wemust was here to set and example: to teach those other Mary Sue elves named for elements (Vanadium, Atomic #23; used to improve steel industrially) that nobody messes with the Boss Elf.

'I desire that you place your man-hood into the essence of my woman-hood where our love for one another shall be completed,' Vanadium whispered in Gil-Galad's pointy ear.

The Wemust stole silently across the room.  It did not have much time.  From its utility vest it grasped its 'special sword', for the Wemust decided this would be a job for a sabre.

It had reached the bed and saw the bewitched Gil-Galad and shook it's head.  It flipped unto the bed causing only the slightest un-noticed disturbance.  It dashed to Mary Sue's 'porcelain neck' and watched a line of deep red appear.  That china would be forever stained.  

The end of another Mary Sue; another case resolved.

The Wemust sulked out of the room as the puzzled Gil-Galad was awakening from his Mary Sue induced trance.  The Boss Elf glanced down at the bed in wonderment and saw nothing.  The Mary Sue had left his realm.  The tale returned to how it should be.

The Wemust surveyed the scene.  Another job done.  But how many more to come, it thought as it wiped the blade.  Deftly it tucked the blade back into the vest and swept away to return to the Bat…er, Wemust Cave, where it would brood and train until another misused canon character needed it's character assignation skills.

*Cue Hang Glider and sound of a squeaky wheel in the distance*


	3. HalDear and the Rat Woman

Hal-Dear and the Rat Woman

_Haldir was walking amongst the woods.  He was a guardian of the woods of Lorien.  He served the Lady of the Wood._

_Haldir was walking in the wood when his sensitive ears picked up a rustling noise from some of the dense forestry nearby.  He rushed over to investigate the noise with his bow drawn and ready._

_He cautiously moved forward.  Silently he moved the leaves that were obstructing his path.  He heard a soft noise as if someone was awakening.  He looked down and saw a figure sprawled on the ground at his feet.  The attire the figure was wearing was odd to him; he had never seen anything like it.  _

_He spoke, 'You have entered the Realm of the Lady of the Wood.  What is your business here?'_

_The figure started and arose.  Haldir withdrew his bow as he stood facing the most beautiful female he had ever seen.  Her eyes sparkled like the sun reflected through the leaves of the wood.  Her hair was a colour that Haldir had never seen on a living being.  It was the colour of the mouth of his Lady, yet as bright as the circle in the sky.  This illustrious hair floated down her back, where it rested about halfway down.  Her skin was flawless bar a small birthmark shaped like a star by the corner of her right emerald eye.  Her nose was slightly snubbed at the tip and was of average size…_

Oh, come on, thought the Wemust, we get it Mary Sue, you are supposed to be the most beautiful thing Haldir has ever laid…eyes on.  Please make an error, please!

_Her limbs were beautifully proportioned.  Her forearms flowed into her graceful hands.  Hands that were soft and looked as if they were made for playing a harp._

_As she was rising Haldir noticed her **silohette** dancing on the forest floor; she had curves in all the right places…_

One big problem, smirked the Wemust, she is not a male!  One error, two to go before anything drastic happens.

_…her bosom was heaving.  Haldir was staring at her but betrayed no emotion, although his head was reeling with new sensations he had never felt before.  **His ears could hear her laboriously breathe as she pushed the air in and out of her body.**_

Surely I can call that something, thought the Wemust.  I have no idea what Mary Sue is on about, but I do sense that she is letting Haldir keep his elf senses.  Crap!  

The Wemust scrutinised the scene, praying that it would not change before he had mapped out the plan of attack.  It could handle it; it would just have to be quick.

'I am Nyaninya,' she said finally, gazing up at the startling blue eyes of the handsome elf before her.  The name sounded strange as she spoke it, but also so right.

_'**Child of the Stars**,' she whispered to herself._

The Wemust was having trouble controlling itself.  The Mary Sue had named herself Rat Woman thinking it meant 'child of the stars.' Surely this was number three.  The Wemust tried to enter the woody scene, but the powers that be would not allow it.  The breathing scene was getting by!

'Nyaninya,' said Haldir, rolling the name around his mouth, 'what is your purpose in these woods?'

_'I do not **no**,' she replied._

Thank the powers that be!  The Wemust was finally able to enter the scene.  It landed soundlessly on the trunk of the tree nearest to the un-pointy ear of 'Nyaninya.'  The Wemust knew where the story was headed (most likely some secluded bush after 'Nyaninya' learned who she was from Galadriel) and wish to end the agony of it before it managed to get that far.

_'What sort of attire is that you wear,' asked Haldir._

_Nyaninya looked down not knowing how to respond.  She stood gaping at herself._

_Again she replied, 'I do not know.'_

_'You must come with me to the Lady of the Wood,' Haldir said as he turned away indicating that Nyaninya should follow him._

Now!  While Haldir's pert posterior was facing the Mary Sue!  The Wemust leapt unto the 'illustrious' red hair.  Mary Sue let out a little gasp of shock.

Quickly, before Haldir turned around, the Wemust wrangled around to that special place on a body's neck and pushed with all its strength.  Mary Sue collapsed as the Wemust jumped of the crumbling body.

Haldir turned and saw nothing.  He heard a gentle rustle in the brush near to him.  He shrugged and headed back.  He was due to meet Celeborn and go out to corrupt some firm young elves.

The Wemust surveyed the scene from behind the brush.  Then was off away back to his lair until the next time his spidey…er, Wemust sense called him to action.

*The scene fades in a swirl of black*


	4. Boromir and the Football Team

Keeper's note (may they be few):  Sorry about the layout ahead of time, it didn't want to load the way I wanted it to… Boromir and the Football Team 

The Fellowship had reached the mines or Moria.  Arsenala had led the way.

Arsenala's stamina matched that of any elf in Middle earth, yet she was human.  She was an unknown princess of Rohan.  Her past had been hidden from her as she was abducted at an early age from her father, Theoden King.  Her real father thought her long since dead.  Her true name is Theodwaina.

Despite not knowing who she was, she had a truly regal air about her.  This irritated Boromir.  He would catch himself gazing at her long and silky blond hair that remained straight, which had a braid on either side of her face, much like the style of the elves.  She could easily be mistaken for an elf.  She was quite tall and fair with deep green eyes that matched the colour of a forest pool.  Her cheekbones were high and the rest of her body was taunt and lithe.  She was always attentive.  Boromir did not like the way she always seemed to look through him when he spoke to hear.  Her melodious voice would take on an icy tone when she addressed him, freezing him out yet making him yearn for her even more.  An indescribable feeling was boiling inside him, but he daren't tell Arsenala for fear of an icy gaze and silence the rest of the quest.  Such a fate would be worse than death (A/N: dum, ta, dum).

[Wemust note, thought the Wemust, must kill Mary Sue…oh, wait, that is what I'm going to do.]

Arsenala remained silent as Gandalf finally managed to open the doors to the musty mines of Moria.  She had felt Boromir's gaze on her.  She was upset that this unnerved her.  She did not like the feelings of wooziness that overtook her every time that he spoke.  She did not mean to take so icy a tone with him, but it was the only way to keep her feelings in check.

Silently the Fellowship moved into the Darkness.

[Did Mary Sue miss the watcher in the water, recounting her tales of woe?  Yes, yes she did.  The Wemust prepared to enter the scene.  The cover of darkness was excellent.  He hope that Mary Sue would keep it dark and not add 'thousands of chandeliers' or 'light only the Fellowship could use.'  It had been known to happen.

The Wemust wanted into the story, so he slipped in.  Mary Sue had jumbled up numerous times, but the Wemust was waiting for just the right time.  Sue was off to make a slow seduction.  The Wemust only wanted to slay 'Arsenala' before Boromir died.  The Wemust thought that Boromir would want to die without the Mary Sue sobbing over him.]

Arsenala stumbled slightly and Boromir quickly helped her regain her balance.  Arsenala was glad of the darkness as her face was turning a deep shade of red.  She turned to Boromir and smiled pleasantly.  She thanked him.  Boromir noticed no coldness in her voice.  His heart was soaring.

[Snort…Mary Sue made you a wuss, thought the Wemust.]

The Fellowship burst into the sunlight… 

[What the fuck, thought the Wemust.  They were outside the mines.

Breathe, thought the Wemust. Just breathe.  Just take out a weapon and do it.  Just take out a weapon and do it.  Calm.  It will be all right…]

…Arsenala was weeping to herself.  Gandalf had been like a father to her.  Boromir came to her.  Not knowing what to do.  He awkwardly placed his arms around her as she began to sob uncontrollably into his sturdy chest.

[Now! Thought the Wemust.  She hasn't mentioned the Fellowship in a while; they won't see me!  She is about to do something to Boromir.  Some witty remark through the tragedy like…]

'Is that the horn of Gondor, or are you just happy to hold me,' asked Arsenala.  Her forest green eyes were twinkling through they brimmed with tears.

[That was it.  The Wemust drew his 'special sword' and grasped it in it's right hand.  It flipped through the air between the love struck couple and slashed Mary Sue across the neck; she was gone before the Wemust landed.]

Boromir was replying to the air that it was his horn.  He stopped and looked around.  No one was there but he was fingering the Horn of Gondor.  He shook his head and went after the Fellowship, grasping his horn tightly as he went…

The Wemust watched him catch up with the fellowship, as it cleaned and sheathed its blade.  It may not be able to save Boromir from his fate, but it was able to save Boromir from Arsenala.

*Cue the Wemust zipping its vest and running into black*


End file.
